"Oh Shit"
That's the predominant thought going through your mind. You are hanging on by your fingers. You're trying to grab hold of something, anything, that will keep you from falling.
You keep going thinking it has to get better/easier, but it's only getting worse.
This is unfamiliar territory. This isn't, stay awake at night anxiety. This is, I can lose everything fear.
Your rubber legs are wobbling, your blood is freight training through your chest. Your current toe-hold is slipping, but no other is in site. Safety up ahead is too far away to see.
Just as your fingernail grip starts to slip, you cry - "I don't think I can make it!"
And an encouraging voice calls from below - "You can do this. Look up above to the left- see that metal ring? You can get there. It'll give you a good foothold so you can catch your breath. The whole left side is much easier."
Time stops as you think - "and you're just telling me this now??"
Funny, isn't it? How life imitates life?
In my continuing efforts to try things that scare me, I decided to go rock climbing. I was visiting my BFF Michele Miller in Scottsdale and signed up for an afternoon of boulder climbing.
I don't know what I was thinking.
Somehow, in my head, I pictured a scenic hike with some boulders we would climb on, you know, like we did when we were kids.
But then I met the guide and he pulled out the hard hats and ropes, and I had a Scooby Doo moment.
"ruh roh"
I have to tell you, hanging on the side of that sheer cliff by my fingers and toes is a feeling that will be sketched permanently in my psyche. This isn't like indoor climbing. There are no solid foot holds or hand holds. A small irregularity jutting out about half an inch is all you have to hold on to.
I truly did not think I could go any higher up that sheer rock wall. But once that voice pointed out the metal ring, I knew I could probably at least get that far. From there, the climb was much easier and holding on to the chain at the top, looking down and doing my best Tiger Woods fist pump, I was a goddess.
Here's the secret to my success. I wasn't alone. While climbing, you are in a rope harness with a belayer down below you. The belayer is the person in charge of making sure you don't fall off the cliff. He or she controls the ropes that are the only thing between a happy healthy you, and a you that has gone splat on the rocks many feet below.
The job of the belayer is to give you just enough rope so you can have freedom of movement, but not too much slack, so if you fall, you won't have far to go before the rope catches you.
In my case, it is also the job of the belayer to coach and encourage you when the fear takes over.
When I questioned him later about why he hadn't told me from the beginning that the left side was much easier, he replied simply that he did not instruct climbers on which path they should take. Each climber finds their own way. He only chimes in with a helpful suggestion if they get stuck.
I don't have to tell you all the life lessons contained in that half hour climb. I also don't have to tell you how much that climb mirrored my current life situation.
What I do have to tell you is the absolute necessity of having your own belayer.
We all need someone or something (person, faith, spirit guide, whatever you wish) that is going to be there for you when fear paralyzes you.
We all need that challenge/reassurance to keep going.
We all need someone who believes in us more than we believe in ourselves.
It is not the job of the belayer to tell you which path to take, but rather to give you the faith to keep following it.
In 2009, those foot and hand holds are going to be further apart and harder to find. But don't give up. Don't go it alone. Find your belayer.
I send my gratitude to all who have been my belayer this last year. Holy crap it has been a scary climb, but check out this view!
Wishing you much love and success in the year to come.
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