Women in the Workforce who Overcompensate

I was giving myself a pep talk this morning.  (do you ever do that?)  I had a really interesting conversation with Bryan and Jeffrey Eisenberg at Future Now last week.  I've been with them for almost four years now.  These are two smart dudes who are really good at getting my brain juices flowing.  It's really interesting to look at myself through their eyes.

I am so far from the person I was four years ago it is amazing.  And yet, in some very basic ways, I have not changed at all.  (that may sound strange to you, but it makes perfect sense to me)

We were discussing confidence.  I have a huge amount of confidence - in myself and in what I do.  I've been very successful.  I am really good with clients.  I can get up and speak to a room of hundreds without getting nervous.   I will put my brain up against just about anyone's.

So why am I always overcompensating?   

You've heard me speak about my 3:07 AM "aha moments".    Well, it hit me again last night.   I overcompensate.   I've done it forever.   

My reports have to be more thorough.  My presentations have to have more slides.   My strategy has to have more reasoning.   My insights have to have more research to back them up.   

The only thing that makes me feel better is - I'm not alone.  I see women everywhere doing the same thing.   

Do you work in a male dominated industry?   Do you feel the need to do everything better just to be accepted, to be acknowledged?

My need to overcompensate goes even deeper than that.   I had meningitis when I was four and had brain damage.  (I know, I know....that explains a lot)  The doctors warned my parents that I might have to be institutionalized.  They were preparing my sister for the fact she was probably going to have to help take care of me.

I went to special schools until the third grade when I finally transferred into the public school system.  Needless to say, I was way behind and really had to struggle to try to keep up.   I learned at a very early age that I had to work twice as hard as everyone else.

That has stuck to me like peanut butter to the roof of your mouth.   (or to a Boston Terrier's lips - I give him his meds in peanut butter because A- it's easier, B - it's just plain fun to watch him go thurp, thurp, thurp, thurp for seemingly hours)

I'm working on fixing this.   (the overcompensation thing, that is)

Here are the steps I'm taking:

• Don't over explain yourself.  State your case and move on - if they still have questions, they'll ask.
• Dont worry about people not hearing you.  State your case/point and then shut up - don't go on and on.  Once again, if they didn't understand or hear you, they will ask for clarification.
• Cover only the important stuff.   If they want more details, documentation - they will ask.   You do not need to justify everything you say.
• Less is more.   If you can say it in one slide instead of 3 - say it in one slide.  How thick the report is does not matter.  It is not the size of the report, but rather your ability to communicate your point succinctly that matters.
• Do not try to impress.   The harder you try - the more you will fail.   Walk in with the thought that they are already impressed.   A confident smile will speak louder than any words you say.
• Stop trying so hard.  You are going to burn yourself out.  (believe me, I know)

Do you find yourself overcompensating?  in your work life or in your home life...with your husband/wife or with your kids?    Take a hard look at it.  The actions you're taking to overcompensate may actually be harmful to the very task you are trying to achieve.

What steps are you taking to stop overcompensating?  I'd love any advice you have to offer. Because I really think it's harmful.  And know how damaging overcompensating can be.  Because I see it so often and it really does make a difference......

Oops - there I go again.

Comments

[Kelly King Anderson]

I just confronted this issue myself recently with my life coach...but my wasn't called overcompensating, it was called being a perfectionist...somehow I think that my worth is based on/tied to my performance, it's just not true!! We are great for who we are separate of how we do things. It's a great reminder that we can give our best effort and just be peaceful about the results. ;)

[chris]

I think some people are just perfectionist and they have to have everything just right.

Other people can just do the best they can and live with that.

Different strokes for different folks.

[Kris Porter]

I think the term "perfection" is a way of getting social acceptance for the "disease to please"...which has been called "overcompensation" by some!

[Georjina]

Interesting take on it. Here's a new twist that makes it more 'real' for the rest of your audience - Black Women. We're known for over compensating and pushing for that 'perfection' level (which is impossible). It is hard-wired in us right along with mother's milk from day one and something that, no matter how educated, well traveled or mature in years we get - always is the one hurdle we trip over.